TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely outside of put. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let us have Yet another place where by American Gentlemen can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: give Every person a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated Trump Tower Damascus intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Room, a function staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It really is not just unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "If You Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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